Covering the wound on my face, I looked into the mirror and forced an ugly smile.
I was going to see my mother soon; I couldn't let her notice anything.
But then my mirror was snatched away and smashed to pieces.
“Jiang Man, still in the mood to doll yourself up?”
These were the bullies who often picked on me.
“Come to the usual spot later, An Ge is waiting for you!”
My heart clenched.
I begged them, asking if I could go see my mother first.
The ringleader was a girl named Wen Jiayan; she was very beautiful, and the other boys all listened to her.
“Jiang Man, if you don't listen, you'll make your mother worry.”
They all knew exactly what to say to make me obediently comply.
All these tricks, Yan An had taught them.
In the KTV room, they forced me to change into a revealing dress.
With fresh wounds still visible on my exposed skin, I hugged my knees and huddled into the corner, trembling uncontrollably.
Wen Jiayan grabbed my face and applied a bright lipstick to me.
“Hmm, now you're pretty. An Ge will like this.”
But Yan An didn't come; only a few strange men did.
As soon as Wen Jiayan left, they immediately started laying their hands on me.
I thrashed wildly in fear; they touched my legs and restrained my hands.
“This little sister is quite pretty!”
“I heard that kid from the Yan family already had his way with her. You dare to play?”
Tears of humiliation welled up in my eyes. Unable to struggle free, I kicked wildly at them.
“You stinking whore!”
A powerful slap landed on my face, and the taste of fresh blood immediately filled my mouth.
“Dressed like that, what's with the pure act!”
Just as I was losing all hope, the door was kicked open.
Yan An's figure appeared in the doorway.
I almost thought he was the same person he used to be, that he had come to save me.
But he merely glanced at me with an unreadable expression, then raised a hand, and immediately, people rushed in to drag the men out.
Wen Jiayan feigned surprise, covering her mouth from the side.
“Jiang Man, didn't I tell you to wait here for An Ge? How could you...”
I didn't explain.
If Yan An believed such clumsy acting, what was the point of explaining?
The light was blinding.
I was dressed revealingly, my hair disheveled, lipstick smeared across my face.
Yan An, meanwhile, leaned back on the sofa, the light highlighting his flawless features, noble and captivating.
A moment later, he stubbed out his cigarette and walked over to me.
His long, slender fingers gripped my chin, forcing me to face him.
The faint smell of cigarettes filled my nostrils.
Yan An's face was inches away. As much as I had once loved it, that was how much I feared it now.
He looked at me and suddenly smiled.
The smile didn't reach his eyes, revealing only coldness.
“What's wrong? Did I interrupt your fun?”
“Jiang Man, are you really that desperate for men?”
I bit my lip tightly, unwilling to utter a single word of protest.
Seeing my expression, his dark eyes revealed a dangerous glint.
“Jiang Man, you're just like your mother, so cheap.”
Of course, he knew exactly which words would hurt and infuriate me the most.
I glared at him, enunciating each word: “I told you, my mother wouldn't do such a thing! If you have a problem, aim it at me!”
But my retort was so weak and powerless that the onlookers' gazes were like watching a joke.
Yan An's hand on my chin suddenly tightened.
“If you've forgotten, I'll help you remember.”
With that, he pushed me against the wall.
He used a pen to write two words on my shoulder.
Through the rear-view mirror, I clearly saw the two words “whore” written on my shoulder, a dazzling bright red.
He stood up and looked down from above.
“Jiang Man, you’ll have to pay for what you’ve done, no matter what.”
An immense feeling of shame enveloped me. I frantically wiped at it, only to find I couldn’t wipe it clean at all.
By the time I had wiped until my skin was raw and red.
Wen Jiayan was trembling with laughter beside me.
“Jiang Man, that title really suits you!”
I couldn’t bear it any longer and broke down, sobbing.
I knew that this nightmare, along with those two words, would follow me for the rest of my life.
I also knew that the Yan An of before would never return.
3
The Yan An in my memories once held my hand and secretly kissed my cheek.
He watched sunsets with me as the wind ushered in the night.
He said we would be together…
All my hopes for Yan An were shattered on that night of heavy rain.
After Yan An’s mother ran out of the house and got into a car accident.
Before she died, she told Yan An that she had seen his father with another woman.
That woman was my mother.
I’ll never forget the look Yan An gave me then, cold as ice, dark, and filled with a hatred that wished to tear me to shreds.
He said, how could he ever like the daughter of a mistress?
All along, I trusted my mother unconditionally.
She was so gentle and kind, raised me alone, taught me how to be a good person, and never did harm to others.
I understood Yan An’s pain of losing his mother, and I even begged him to trust us, but all I got in return was Yan An’s hatred growing even deeper.
Meanwhile, Yan An’s father chose to go abroad to escape everything.
After that, my mother fell into severe depression.
She no longer communicated with anyone, so frail as if she could die at any moment.
For Yan An, that still wasn’t enough.
He said I had to suffer more than him for it to be considered Atonement.
I soaked myself in water for a long time.
But the words on my shoulder, no matter what, wouldn’t wash off.
Every time I looked, I crumbled a little more.
Looking into the mirror, I raised the knife.
Slash after slash, I carved into my shoulder.
My skin tore open, fresh blood gushing out like flowers.
I seemed to feel no pain, until those two words were carved into a bloody mess of flesh.
My cat ran over and rubbed against my leg, as if worried about me, constantly circling me.
I picked it up, embracing my only solace.
4
At the hospital, afraid my mother would see the wounds on my body, I only dared to look at her from afar.
She was still in a daze all day, showing no improvement.
Worried something would happen to her, I sat on the bench in the hallway all night.
Late at night, Yan An’s name appeared on my phone screen.
An ominous premonition immediately seized me. I clicked on the image he sent, and my entire body instantly went cold.
I called a taxi in the rain and rushed to the place he requested.
The moment I stepped through the door, my heart clenched.
My cat lay on the ground, its front paws stained with blood, its ears drooping, its breath shallow and faint.
I knelt on the ground, trembling, reaching out to embrace it, but afraid of hurting it further.
Wen Jiayan, in high heels, stopped beside the cat.
“Jiang Man, your cat injured me, what do you think we should do now?”
I turned my head to look at Yan An, his eyes covered in a layer of icy frost.
“Please…” My voice was dry and hoarse as I meekly pleaded with him, “Spare my cat…”
In an instant, Yan An and I looked at each other, and a mocking smile appeared on his face.
“Jiang Man, you have a close senior, you have a lovely cat, why do you remember me now?”
Yan An’s phone on the table was still lit up. On it was a photo he had sent me.
The photo showed me and Senior Zhou Qi playing with the cat.
“This cat… Zhou Qi gave it to me… He only… occasionally comes to visit the cat, we don’t have…”
I tried to give the cat first aid, my explanations disjointed.
I was afraid that Yan An’s revenge and desire to control me would implicate even more people.
Yan An beckoned me with his finger, and I walked over like an obedient pet.
He reached out and pulled me onto his lap, his other hand holding my waist.
His voice had never sounded so intimate to me.
“Look at me.”
“Jiang Man, you’ve never given me your first look.”
I looked at him, feeling only sorrow in my heart.
What a perfect face, like the Creator’s most cherished masterpiece, every inch of its features exquisitely refined.
I had once been moved by it, but now, looking at this face again, I felt only coldness and cruelty.
The more Wen Jiayan liked him, the more she hated me.
She stared intently at Yan An and me, pressed close together, her fingernails digging into her flesh.
Yan An stroked my face.
“Kiss me, and I’ll let it go.”
5
Looking into his eyes, I knew I hadn't misheard.
Without hesitation, I leaned in to kiss him.
At the crucial moment, he violently pushed me away.
My waist hit the corner of the table, the pain so intense that my vision blurred.
Yan An wiped his hands, his gaze on me like I was trash.
“Jiang Man, you’re truly disgusting!”
For a moment, the previously quiet space erupted with piercing laughter.
Especially from Wen Jiayan.
But I didn't care, I only cared about my cat.
Yan An said my cat had injured Wen Jiayan, and told me to go beg her.
He threw me to her like trash.
Wen Jiayan was extremely excited.
She told me to look at her palm: “Look, this was all scratched by that beast, Jiang Man, how do you want me to forgive you?”
These red marks were clearly self-inflicted moments ago.
I didn't argue, afraid that angering her would hurt my cat again.
I just humbly bowed my head, and apologized to her.
“I’m truly sorry, I’ll take it home, if the injuries are severe… I’ll compensate you.”
Wen Jiayan became even more smug.
“Compensate me? Do I look like I’m short on money?”
I looked directly at her: “Then what do you want?”
She raised her hand and pointed at a pile of food on the ground: “Your beast spilled my food, the floor is all dirty…”
“How about, the owner eats it clean for me? That way, no food is wasted and the mess is cleaned up!”
After saying that, she picked up my cat.
“Oh, it seems to have gotten quite badly hurt, how pitiful.”
My heart clenched, I wished I could return these injuries a thousandfold, ten thousandfold to Wen Jiayan.
But my cat looked at me, sobbing in pain.
I could only, like a hollow shell, kneel on the ground, and grab the food on the ground with my hands.
Yan An’s icy warning reached my ears: “Jiang Man, don’t make yourself too dirty.”
I turned a deaf ear, picked up the food and immediately shoved it into my mouth.
What is dirty? What makes one clean?
I am never dirty, and neither is my mother!
Wen Jiayan's laughter was sharp and piercing.
Her high heels stepped on my hand: "Jiang Man, eating garbage? Are you out of your mind?"
The bones on the back of my hand felt like they were being crushed. I winced in pain, yet refused to make a sound.